We are a society that expects those grieving to quickly "deal with it" and "get over the loss." A death occurs and with luck, we are given two weeks off from work "bereavement leave," to deal with the immediate issues surrounding the funeral, dealing with personal artifacts, property, and wills. At the end of the two weeks (which may be vacation time, rather than personal time--depending on the company) we are expected to return with the grief still fresh, but "dealt with" and the workers is expected to "get on with life." Another major loss may occur e.g. a diagnosis of a major medical condition, the breakup of a long-standing relationship, the loss of a cherished pet, but this loss does not meet the criteria for bereavement leave thus no time is available to take off, rather people are expected to show up at work and keep functioning. This lack of recognition by our society at large as to how a person may be impacted by a loss--whether an acknowledged or a disenfranchised loss--and how long their grief response may go on, can significantly contribute to why we continue to "feel so bad." Lack of social support and sympathy can result in a greater chance that a grieving person may be compromised in his or her grief process.

This tragic event united the country in grief, but we could still see the prevalent expectation that after two weeks one should be getting back to normal. After a weekend of suspended sporting events, baseball resumed less than a week after the tragedy. After a week of round-the-clock television coverage, normal television programming resumed. Flags did not even fly at half mast for a full two weeks at Camp David or over New York Stadium before they were returned to full mast. We are being urged to start flying again, start spending and start getting "back to normal" whatever "normal" is now.

As a society that typically denies grief, we are afraid to be around someone who is grieving. We are unsure what to say,  how to act, what to do. One of the most valuable gifts we can give someone who is grieving to help the loss become real, is the gift of listening.

Let the person in need of comfort talk! Let him or her talk about people..events..feelings. One of the major tasks of grief is for the loss to become real. Listening to someone talk will aid this process. Each time the story is repeated, the reality becomes more realized. Listen particularly for feelings. Accept these feelings without judgment.

One of the things I have been struck by in this event is how important it has been for people to tell their story. Whether a survivor of the incident, a friend or family member awaiting news, families dealing with the painful loss of a lost loved one, the people who have been influenced by the incident or capturing the events on home video, the medical responders they are all telling and sharing their story--again and again. These stories have been repeated in the media, written in magazines and papers and posted on a variety of sites on the Internet. The healing process begins as the grieving person is able share their story of their grief and give voice to the loss. (See Telling the Story for more)

What can also be helpful at this time of crisis is becoming more sensitive of the grief response in others as we become more aware of our own grief response to this tragedy and recovery. (For more on the normal grief response see the section on Health Concerns.)

Human caused disasters such as the September 11th events catch us off guard. These acts are viewed as random acts of violence, can be more frightening than natural disasters, often viewed as "acts of God." Because of the acts were committed by humans rather than a natural "act of God" there is the perception that "We should have seen it coming," "We should have been more vigilant," "We could have prevented this event from occurring." It is difficult for many of us to believe that our fellow human being are capable of such atrocities. There are several differences between human and natural disasters that make the event even more stressful:

• There is no warning and no time to get ready. Unlike a hurricane or slow-rising flood, there is no way to prepare ourselves mentally for a human caused disaster.
• We don't expect this kind of disaster. Most of the disasters in this country are either weather related or accidents. There are few incidents of terrorist attacks occurring in the United States (the last most notable one was the attack on Pearl Harbor in the 1940's). Terrorist attacks happen somewhere else, not in the "safety" of the United States.
• It is difficult, perhaps even incomprehensible, to understand how someone could carefully and deliberately plan and execute a mission that would cause so much death and destruction and injuries.
• Terrorists acts may cause us to start questioning our fundamental beliefs and values--what we know to the true, right and just in the world.
• TV, radio, and newspaper coverage can make us all feel like part of the disaster. We experience the events nearly "first-hand" as we watch the media coverage, thus becoming secondary victims of the event.
• In order to feel safe again, we may have to give up some of the freedoms and life-style choices we have taken for granted in the past. Even with sacrificing some of these freedoms for safety, there is no guarantee that it will not happen again.

Contrary to popular belief one doesn't just "get over" loss or a significant life-changing event. The journey of recovering from losses and significant life changes is a process that does not occur over night, it may take weeks, months, years, or even a life time--depending on the person and the type of loss. There is no "perfect" or "right" or "correct" way to process a loss. Each person's experience of loss, like each grief experience will be unique. We need to remember that Grief has its own rhythm.

Tragic events can be much more difficult to recover from quickly, or at all, depending on the nature of the tragedy e.g. unnecessary or accidental death, rape, loss through natural disasters, death during war-time, unnecessary acts of violence. When a death is considered to be "traumatic" e.g. a death that is sudden or unanticipated, violent or destructive, random and/or preventable or when their are multiple deaths, this predisposes the grief process to be at a higher risk for complicated mourning. Complicated Mourning is a delayed or incomplete adaptation to loss or failure in the process of mourning. These types of losses are the ones that often require counseling and professional help from someone knowledgeable about traumatic losses to help the grieving cope with the loss.

Major Depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder are potential sequalae of complicated mourning, that can also
occur from being a secondary victim of the incident--from watching the events unfold on television. However since the
diagnosis of depression or PTSD is only made after experiencing symptoms for several weeks to months after the initial event,  it will be months before we know how many people will be diagnosed with these disorders in the aftermath of this tragedy. (For more clinical signs and symptoms see the section on Health Concerns.)

What really matters now is love...
that condition in the human spirit so profound that it allows us to rise.
Strength, love, courage, love, kindness, love. That is really what matters.
There has always been evil, and there will always be evil,
but there has always been good, and there is good now.