Journey of Hearts

SUGGESTIONS FOR COPING WITH GRIEF
by Anne Grant, Ph.D.
This article by Dr. Anne Grant is being reprinted with permission of KARIOS, Support for Caregivers, in her memory.
 

Here are some understandings about grief and some resources to be called forth to cope with the sometimes over-whelming symptoms of loss.

UNDERSTANDINGS OF GRIEF

Grief is a normal and natural response to loss. It is originally an unlearned feeling process. Keeping grief inside increases your pain.

Grief is a process, not a state. There are three major phases:
 

• Shock: Denial, disbelief, avoidance, numbness, a "closing off" period.
Just as the body goes into shock after a physical trauma, so does the human psyche go into shock after the impact of a major loss.
• Suffering: Confrontation, the "opening up" period.
The period of time when your grief is experienced most intensely, when you really begin to learn that your loved person is gone, that your life is irrevocably changed.
• Renewal: New beginnings, re-establishment, catharsis and healing.
A gradual decline in your grief, a slow re-entry into the everyday world.
You are changed by the loss, you will not forget it, but you are beginning to be able to accommodate it and to begin to live your life as it is, without the loved person.

Get help if you need it. The process for each person is unique. Each person has an individual "time line." Allow yourself your uniqueness.

Distinguish between depression and sadness or sorrow. It is natural to feel great sadness for your loss. It may come in "waves" or it might be pervasive over a period of time.

You will probably have a hard time to focus or concentrate on things that feel irrelevant or unimportant. You might feel lethargic or agitated, perhaps in turns. It takes energy and attention to move through the mental/emotional process of grief and you will feel preoccupied with this psychological process.

Anger is a natural response when something you value is taken away from you. You may feel alone, isolated or not understood.

RESOURCES FOR YOUR BODY AND SOUL

Be aware of your body's needs for nutrition, exercise and rest.
Try to listen to your body's "messages" rather than imposing what you think it should want to do.

Listening to your body is different from "doing something for" it.

• Fear or anxiety might be expressed by shakiness or a queasy, upset stomach.
• Guilt/regrets can feel like physical burdens.
• Anger or resentment, held inside, often manifest as headaches, tight neck and shoulders, a "knotted" stomach.

Find, or create a supportive network. These will need to be persons who are willing to listen with their hearts and to allow you to express your feelings, not just your thoughts.

Break any problem into, or make any changes in, small increments.

Feel, and try to be creative in ways to express your emotions:

            Vigorous physical exercise or work activity
            Drawing, painting or sculpting
            Writing or reading poetry
            Music or interpretive dance
            Writing a journal or an ongoing letter to your loved person
            Writing a specific letter to express anger. If you plan not to send it at all, or
            without editing, you can write just as emphatically as you feel.
            Relaxation exercises, meditation, prayer, massage
            Rituals
            Shouting/screaming in your car or on an empty beach
 

Distinguish between depression and sadness or sorrow. It is natural to feel great sadness for your loss. It may come in "waves" or it might be pervasive over a period of time.

If you are worried about depression or despair, it sometimes helps to set a time limit of perhaps an hour, by the clock or timer. Plan a distraction for yourself at the end of the time limit. Then allow it free reign, really sink into it and, at the end of the hour, arrange the distraction you planned.

Notice the difference between feelings and mental thoughts or ideas. Both can be true even though they might be in conflict. "I'm glad he is no longer suffering" is true, but may conflict with the feeling of being abandoned and left to pick up the pieces of  your shattered life.

Try to nurture and replenish each aspect of yourself: heart, mind, spirit and body.

Take one day at a time. To look too far into the future is overwhelming and immobilizing ... just get through today.

Dr. Anne Grant was the Grief Project Coordinator for KARIOS Support for Caregivers, as well as a public speaker, hospice bereavement counselor and consultant for grief issues. We reprint her article her in her
memory and with the hopes that others will continue to be healed of grief by the work she did while alive.

To contact KARIOS

Kairos at Shanti, Support group for caregivers of those with AIDS/HIV
 http://www.shanti.org/home1.html