Journey of Hearts

(The following is an abbreviated, re-edited into the format used within Journey of Hearts of the Ten Tips by Moira Anderson. For the full version and other information on pet loss, please link to her website)

The following are some tips on coping with the loss of a pet.

   1. Am I crazy to hurt so much?

• Intense grief over the loss of a pet is normal and natural.
• Don't let anyone tell you that it's silly, crazy, or overly sentimental to grieve!
• Don't be surprised if you feel devastated by the loss of this special relationship.
• People who don't understand the pet/owner bond may not understand your pain.
• Remember, you are not alone: Thousands of pet owners have gone through the same feelings.

• Different people experience grief in different ways.
• You may experience the following emotions:
• Sorrow and loss
• Guilt especially if you feel responsible for your pet's death
• Denial which makes it difficult to accept that your pet is really gone.
• Anger may be directed [or misdirected] at the illness that killed your pet, the driver of the speeding car, the veterinarian who "failed" to save its life.
• Depression is a natural consequence of grief.
• Extreme depression robs you of motivation and energy and causes you to dwell upon your sorrow.

• The most important step you can take is to be honest about your feelings.
• Don't deny your pain, or your feelings of anger and guilt. You have a right to feel pain and grief!  Someone you loved has died.
• You have a right to feel anger and guilt, as well.
• Only by examining and coming to terms with your feelings can you begin to work through them.
• Locking away grief doesn't make it go away.
• Express your grief. Cry, scream, pound the floor, talk it out. Do what helps you the most.

Don't try to avoid grief by not thinking about your pet; instead, reminisce about the good times.
• Suggestions for dealing with grief:
• Express their feelings and memories in poems, stories, or letters to the pet.
• Rearranging your schedule to fill in the times you would have spent with your pet
• Preparing a memorial such as a photo collage
• Talking to others about your loss.
• Visit an online website for pet loss

• Working through your feelings with another person is one of the best ways to put them in perspective and find ways to handle them.
• If your family or friends love pets, they'll understand. Don't hide your feelings to try and appear strong and calm!
• Talk to someone about how much the pet meant to you
• Tell someone how much you miss your pet
• Find someone you feel comfortable crying and grieving with.
• If you don't have family or friends who understand, or if you need more help:
•  Ask your veterinarian or humane association to recommend a pet loss counselor or support group.
• Check with your church for grief counseling
• Check with your local hospital for grief counseling.

 
• Remember, your grief is genuine and deserving of support.

• Your veterinarian is the best judge of your pet's physical condition.
• You are the best judge of the quality of your pet's daily life.
• Many owners feel that this is not the time if your pet still:
• Responds to attention
• Seeks its owner's company
• Participates in play or family life
• However, a caring pet owner will probably choose to end the beloved companion's suffering if a pet is:
• In constant pain
• Undergoing difficult and stressful treatments that aren't helping greatly
• Unresponsive to affection
• Unaware of its surroundings
• Uninterested in life
• Evaluate your pet's health honestly and unselfishly with your veterinarian.
• Prolonging a pet's suffering in order to prevent your own ultimately helps neither of you.
• Nothing can make this decision an easy or painless one, but it is truly the final act of love that you can make for your pet.

[This is a very individualized decision, often requiring an honest appraisal of yourself, your motivations and your possible reactions]

• Many feel this is the ultimate gesture of love and comfort you can offer your pet.
• Some feel relief and comfort themselves by staying, they were able to see that their pet passed peacefully and without pain, and that it was truly gone.
• For many, not witnessing the death (and not seeing the body) makes it more difficult to accept that the pet is      really gone.
• However, watching your pet be euthanized can be traumatic
• You must ask yourself honestly whether you will be able to handle it.
• Uncontrolled emotions and tears, though natural, are likely to upset your pet.
 
• Discuss your desires, concerns and options with your veterinarian:
• Some clinics are more open than others to allowing the owner to stay during euthanasia.
• Some veterinarians are also willing to euthanize a pet at home.
• Others have come to an owner's car to administer the injection.
• Consider what will be least traumatic for you and your pet
• If your clinic is not able to accommodate your wishes, request a referral.

• When a pet dies, you must choose how to handle its remains.
• It's also wise to make these plans in advance, rather than hurriedly in the midst of grief.
• There are several options available:
• In the midst of grief, it may seem easiest to leave the pet at the clinic for disposal.
• Check with your clinic to find out whether there is a fee for such disposal.
• Some shelters also accept such remains, though many charge a fee for disposal.
• Home burial is a popular choice, if you have sufficient property for it.
• It is economical and enables you to design your own funeral ceremony at little cost.
• Drawbacks to home burial:
• City regulations usually prohibit pet burials
• It is not a good choice for renters or people who move frequently.
•  A pet cemetery provides a sense of dignity, security, and permanence.
• Owners appreciate the serene surroundings and care of the grave site.
• Cemetery costs vary depending on the services you select, as well as upon the type of pet you have.
• Cremation is a less expensive option. It allows you to handle your pet's remains in a variety of ways:
• Bury them (even in the city)
• Scatter them in a favorite location
• Place them in a columbarium
• Keep them with you in a decorative urn (of which a wide variety are available).

 
• Check with your veterinarian, pet shop, or phone directory for options available in your area.
• Consider your living situation, personal and religious values, finances, and future plans when making your decision.

• You are the best judge of how much information your children can handle about death and the loss of their pet.
• Don't underestimate them, however.
• Honesty is important.
• You may find that, by being honest with them about your pet's loss, you may be able to address some fears and misperceptions they have about death.
• If you say the pet was "put to sleep."
• Make sure your children understand the difference between death and ordinary sleep.
• Never say the pet "went away," or your child may wonder what he or she did to make it leave, and wait in anguish for its return. That also makes it harder for a child to accept a new pet.
• Make it clear that the pet will not come back, but that it is happy and free of pain.
• Never assume a child is too young or too old to grieve.
• Never criticize a child for tears, or tell them to "be strong" or not to feel sad.
• Be honest about your own sorrow; don't try to hide it, or children may feel required to hide their grief as well.
• Discuss the issue with the entire family
• Give everyone a chance to work through their grief at their own pace.

• Pets observe every change in a household, and are bound to notice the absence of a companion.
• Pets often form strong attachments to one another
• The survivor of such a pair may seem to grieve for its companion.
• Cats grieve for dogs, and dogs for cats.
• You may need to give your surviving pets a lot of extra attention and love to help them through this period.
• Remember that, if you are going to introduce a new pet, your surviving pets may not accept the newcomer right away, but new bonds will grow in time.
• The love of your surviving pets can be wonderfully healing for your own grief.

• Generally, the answer is no.
• One needs time to work through grief and loss before attempting to build a relationship with a new pet.
• If your emotions are still in turmoil, you may resent a new pet for trying to "take the place" of the old, for what you really want is your old pet back.
• Children in particular may feel that loving a new pet is "disloyal"  to the previous pet.

 
• When you do get a new pet, avoid getting a "look alike" pet, which makes comparisons all the more likely.
• Don't expect your new pet to be "just like" the one you lost
• Allow it to develop its own personality.
• Never give a new pet the same name or nickname as the old.
• Avoid the temptation to compare the new pet to the old one:
• It can be hard to remember that your beloved companion also caused a few problems when it was young!
• [Consider adopting an older animal, there are many older pets in need of a loving home]
• A new pet should be acquired because you are ready to move forward and build a new relationship, rather than looking backward and mourning your loss.

You can find a complete version of this article on Moira K. Anderson's Website:

For Her Book to Help Cope with Sorrow
Coping with Sorrow on the Loss of Your Pet by Moira K. Anderson. Published by Alpine Publisher, February 1998.

From the Publisher. Winner of the "best book" award from the Dog Writer's Association of America, Coping with Sorrow will help you: 
 
Understand the emotions you're feeling and how to deal with them
Use tested strategies (suggested by pet owners like yourself) to get you through the tough times    Help your entire family work through the pain and grief of its loss
Talk to your children about the loss of a pet, and help them understand and express their feelings
Memorialize your pet in a way that will ease your grief and create a lasting tribute
Determine the best way to handle issues of burial, cremation, and other options
Prevent pets from becoming lost or stolen; protect pets from emergencies
Bring a new pet into your household at just the right time and choose it wisely
Provide for your pets in your will